Our fellow tribemember Gigi, who early on suggested that we add to the JTN manifesto a commitment to look out at the world with and through eyes of love, also offered up the following:
Responding to violence with curiosity, rather than anger or judgment.
I believe curiosity is the starting point for compassion.
Curiosity gets us exploring outside the lines of our own experience. It opens up the possibility for someone else’s story to hold more than we immediately see. It meets us in a place of being willing to learn.
Consider this:
- How often do you experience curiosity in your daily life?
- Is curiosity a source of delight for you, or does it scare you?
I can see how curiosity holds the potential to provoke fear. To be curious implies meeting up against something we don’t yet know and therefore don’t yet understand. It requires humility from us, an acknowledgment that realities exist beyond our personal experience of them.
It allows the world — and the people in it — to be larger than the container we’ve thus far held them in.
On the road to nonviolence, curiosity becomes an essential component of learning to love our enemies.
This is because curiosity is rooted in the acknowledgment that all human stories and all of reality are more complex and mysterious than we can imagine or pin down. From this acknowledgement, we come to regard our enemies as larger than their immediate actions.
We give them the dignity of their whole story.
What’s more, we want to understand it.
This is a tough one, isn’t it?
Here’s what that can look like in practice.
A few weeks ago, a friend told me about some scenes in a couple movies I’ve been meaning to watch. In one (and I apologize for the explicit details about to be mentioned), a key character was beaten and killed by a group of people because of his sexual orientation. In another, a transgendered person was gang-raped and murdered.
When I heard these details, I was initially stunned. The violent acts were so gruesome and devastating, I felt my heart squeeze with pain that any person could sustain such aggression against their personhood.
But in the next moment, my heart squeezed with pain for a different reason.
I couldn’t get these questions out of my mind:
- What caused them to do it?
- What beliefs and fears led them to such violent acts?
- How had they come to believe and fear those things?
- Did they really understand what they had done?
I wished so much that I could understand the individuals who had done those things. I wished they were real people of whom I could earn the right to ask.
I think it is this kind of curiosity that creates in us a love for those we would normally consider our enemies. Rather than anger or judgment, we ask questions. We wonder at their stories.
And our hearts break because of them.
What about you?
How easy or difficult is it for you to respond with curiosity to people you’d normally consider your enemies?
This was so good Christianne. I have a friend who makes up a “prequel” in his mind that might account for the violence that is repugnant to him. This helps him to cultivate compassion for people who commit even the most horrible acts. I think the greatest danger we face as we try to encounter evil is that we might become hateful and “violent” ourselves in a much more subtle and soul-killing way.
I love how you love. :)
Such a good point, Terri, that we can develop subtle violences in ourselves when we encounter evil and that this has the power to kill our souls … or render us desirous of another’s soul killed.
I think a lot of my journey toward nonviolence has been a process of discovering all those little violences in my soul … a process of beginning to notice them, of picking them up, turning them around in my hands, asking questions of them, like “How did you come to be here inside my soul? And is that really serving a legitimate purpose? What would it look like to let this little violence go?”
The little violences can be so insidious … they’re the ones we easily convince ourselves are okay.
I like your friend’s tactic of a creating prequels. :-)
So good to see you here, friend. Love you.
Hmmm. I am a curious person by nature. Generally things and situations do not scare me. I am not afraid of the who what when where and why. But applied to non violence. Hmm.
I have a great deal of understanding and empathy with others because I easily realize that a few different decisions at key points of life and I am them. It does not take much to realize how close we all are to things we do not like so much. It scares us actually.
When my beloved pastor Ted Haggard failed a few years ago I was asked by a reporter looking for an angle about him if I forgave him. My answer was something to the effect that I know my thoughts, I know how depraved of mind we all really are and that I could honestly say I forgave him. This was just a few days after the events unfolded.
When we look at ourselves humbly, and humbly realize who we are without Christ, it is more then a little scary. I can not help but forgive someone.
I freely admit that I have not been in a position where such harm was perpetrated against me or my family that I had to wrestle with forgiveness for weeks or years. However, I can see no other truly freeing way.
Carl, I appreciate your comment about how a few different decisions in life could have drastically altered your path. I think about that sometimes, too, and you’re right … it can be kind of crazy and scary to realize that! But also helps us realize how similar we are to one another at the core, just that some of us took a different turn at one point in time or another.
I can imagine that the situation in your church really rocked so many people. Did you see the interview last week with Gail Haggard on the People of the Second Chance website? You can read it here (part 1) and here (part 2).
I find that this is what I do very naturally–the curiosity thing, the wanting to find others’ stories thing. I remember the day Columbine high school happened . . . I was a sophomore in college and it was less than 10 miles from my house. And all I could wonder was what pain those boys must have been in to do something like that.
Somehow, my curiosity doesn’t always lead to compassion, though. Sometimes I understand and I still feel violence in my heart. My own sin? Or do we need something more in that process?
Sarah, your question there at the end has really got me thinking over the last 24 hours. I am thinking some of it can be that tension we hold between grace and truth again … grace is the part of us that can identify with God’s compassionate nature, and truth is the part of us that can identify with God’s just nature. Perhaps the violence of heart you feel is the deep connection you also carry to God’s justice?
I think that’s worth exploring on this site some more … how do we regard justice and compassion simultaneously? This is a complex question and will probably be revisited often as we look at it from many angles.
I also think there’s more to curiosity in the journey toward compassion. Curiosity is at least one of the major starting points, since it disarms our immediate judgment and rejection of the unknown or as-yet-not-understood in us. Again, I’m interested in writing about the thorough process of all of this. The major underlying question this blog will forever explore is: “How does the heart grow in love?”
I admit that I frequently unleash my inner two-year-old and ask “why?” and “how?” a lot. Exploring my curiosity has played such a huge role in my faith journey and how it’s developed to this point.
I remember talking about the movie “Blood Diamond” earlier, and we also discussed “Taken”. My initial response to what I see and experience in those films is horror, but like you said in your post I wonder:
What led these men/women to this point? What happened in their character formation (or lack thereof) that contributed to this?
How is it that they believe they have the right to do this?
What did they endure that shaped their souls such that this is who they are today?
What were some of the key events in their lives that were the impetus for developing this kind of behavior and belief?
I admit, however, that these questions don’t always lead to compassion for the perpetrator, especially when the offense is personal. But I am always curious. I want to look deeply into their eyes, hold both sides of their faces with my palms and ask, “What in the world has happened to you?”
Kirsten, I love that you have a naturally curious nature! It’s one thing that is making your current series on your blog about becoming Catholic so intensely interesting: you were willing to ask the hard questions and keep going deeper as you explored where the questions and answers took you. And now look where your path has led you, sister Agatha! :)
I find more and more these days that the questions you posed of Blood Diamond and Taken and the questions I posed of those other movies I mentioned in the post … those questions are more and more my persistent concern. It has surprised me, how taken with those questions I’ve become over this past year. I never expected to care so much for the ones who inflict harm on others. And yet, even though it’s unexpected and mystifying to me that God has led me to this place, I’m thankful it has happened. This is the path I’m leaning deeper into, I suppose, as you lean deeper into yours.
Hi Christianne. Don’t think I have deserted you. Things have been so chaotic lately. I spent yesterday in the ER- long winded story.
I am not sure what movie you are referring to here, but I watched a movie recently with transgendered content containing the rape of a female to male transgendered individual. That movie was so heavy that I was almost physically sick after watching it.
The thing that made it so intense was the fact that I can actually see this taking place. It seemed like it could have been based on a true story.
You are raising some intense questions here about loving an offender. That is a tough thing to address. But, if we focus on the circumstances that drove a person to commit these acts it holds judgment in limbo.
Interesting.
Tammy,
I need to get the story on the ER! I’ll be touching base with you about that.
You know, the truly sad thing is that these sorts of things really do take place in real life. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn some of these movies have been based on true stories.
Curiosity is my middle name! I tend to over-think and ask too many questions (at least that’s how I feel much of the time). My favorite words are “interesting”, “fascinating”, and “hmmmmmm”. I have a hard time simply accepting something at face value, I always have to dig deeper. I’m not sure most people necessarily like that.
Swirly,
Your “interesting,” “fascinating,” and “hmmmmm” made me smile! In fact, I still have a smile on my face as I’m typing this, just imagining you in conversation and responding that way. It’s fun to know a little bit about what’s going on in your mind as you would be saying those things: you’re processing the possibilities through your intense curiosity filter!
I’m an over-thinker too. It can get me in trouble sometimes by leading to analysis paralysis and too much second-guessing that keeps me from living freely and with spontaneity. But on the whole, I like being the curious type. I’m glad you’re the curious type, too.
i believe it is through curiosity that we discover our connections. the ways we are all the same. then it isn’t so much our hearts breaking for the other, but just one heart breaking.
provoking post, beautiful you. xx
Mmmmm … Lisa, you really made me think in a new way with that comment: “then it isn’t so much our hearts breaking for the other, but just one heart breaking.” WOW. What a beautiful, heart-rending notion. I love it. Thank you.
I think your words about a connection with justice make a lot of sense to me . . . there are times when knowing why, even on a very deep level, doesn’t keep me from wanting to do violence. Can compassion and violence coexist? Hmm . . . more to ponder.
I find myself wondering how compassion and justice coexist. What is the balance there? Sometimes I think it has something to do with trusting God with the justice part … except he asked us to participate in bringing heaven’s ways down to earth.
Perhaps it is something like this:
Justice (Truth) + Compassion (Grace) = Love?
in these last few years ive come accustomed to listening to people with curiosity instead of an immediate reaction. I think this has to do with becoming a better listener is well. If we are hearing someone’s story it’s difficult to not want to give an opinion, judgement, and advice … but i think you’re right , giving them the chance to explain more and get a better understanding is much more effective for us and them.
Sometimes when I’m listening to a friend I have to shut the part of my brain off that is trying to think of what to say.
lastly, I think compassion for our enemies is the best of what we have to give. If for no other reason than … its what they deserve.
thanks for this post. Its great. Got me thinking =)
I’m glad this post got you thinking, Gina. :)
I really like hearing the things you’ve learned about listening in your life. It sounds like you’ve been practicing the art of listening for a long time, and I bet being with you and sharing from the heart is something that really blesses others to be able to do with you.